TW for depression ofc ofc alas, my creativity is going to be the last one here for me, the last piece of my shattered being! /neg so here's just a small story based off of how i feel but not as me yk because idk i feel like everyone should get to know, because some people just have it easy /j (it's not a funny joke, ik. i'm trying ok) also guys dw i'm working on stella's next chapter, it's a bit harder to put into words than the other chapters were /gen --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The sounds of the rumbling cars passing our own were loud. Unfathomable how much they *annoyed* me. Gosh, it was so, so annoying. Everything is annoying. The sound of my siblings' voices, the loud laughter of my father who I love so dearly. My dogs and their fresh dark fur, that they shake all over the place. *So* annoying. It all is. I wish I could get the pounding to go away, the ring to disappear just like everything else does when I close my eyes. It's the only thing that's ever stuck around, the ringing and pounding. I like to think they're the same thing, just both in different ways of expressing the same problem. I've been reading for hours, and now I've completed my book. I have nothing to read. What else can I do? My phone? That didn't sound important right now. It didn't. It never did. I just had one to look *cool*. The car ride home was annoying. Having to walk all the way around my house to get in at all (though the other door was actually open) was annoying. And now, I don't wanna read a different book. *So* annoying. I want to read, but I only wanna read that one book. I want that one story that pains me in a way I don't understand. But it's *over*. There's *no more*. That's so annoying. I flop on my couch. I don't care to think anymore. I like the emptiness, it's quite warming once you get used to it. It screams and claws and cries but eventually you do too, so it's okay, because now you're doing it together, you and this emptiness. And it's so warm and it comforts you, but it cries too. So now it's your friend. Your crying, broken friend. It feels quite relatable, this emptiness. Nothing can fill it. Not right now, not anymore. Something did and now it doesn't. And that happens over and over. The motivation to live is gone, you know. It disappeared with... it. With.. him. Who knew that a person you barely know could be your motivation in life, your want to keep moving on? Not me. I wasn't prepared. I didn't think his blonde hair and blue eyes could make my heart jitter and throw itself around but he did, and now that I know... it doesn't. It's a heart-breaking feeling. A heart-breaking feeling. A terrible, horrible, heart-breaking, destroying feeling. I feel like my emotions have been ripped from my chest nowadays. But that's for a different time. I hear my name being called, probably by my mother, who's managing three kids all alone, now that my father has left to back where he has to go for work. I just ignore it, laying on my couch, thinking. And thinking. A few days ago, when something tragic happened to a place nearby (which spread like wildfire to all of the U.S. now everyone knows what happened. everyone. but it felt so different, knowing you could be next.) my coach had told us all, our whole team, "Be grateful that you get to live today like this. People would die to be you. Don't ever go to bed depressed, for you're lucky and blessed to have what you have." I can't stop thinking about that. About God. What would he think of me being like this? What happened to a devoted, honest, happy me? I was just here, I swear. And now I'm not, not anymore. Just a few days ago I was making vision boards. I was planning my life, to go to Yale in a few years, and everything would be okay. A few years? Two. Two years. So a couple, I guess you would refer to it as. Next thing I know my older brother, Brackston, is barging into my room. "Yo, saddie. Get up, mom needs ya to get your things for the week done." I looked up at him. Even my own brother had been through worse than me. Yet he's still up and going, happy all the time. Why could I feel that way, just not care? I had not cared before. I had simply shrugged it off and kept moving. This time had hit differently. I don't know why. I didn't want it to. However, it did. I feel like I'm not actually me. I feel like I've been programmed to just... Do. Not feel. Do. And that's what I *do*. I just get up, look happy, go home, be sad, go to bed. That's my routine. I don't even know what happens during the day, when I'm at school, or out and about. I forget. Every time. Like I wasn't there. Because I wasn't, not mentally. I was just off, the actual mental me talking to herself in my head, using up all my space to actually be doing things. So I live with me, my emptiness, and my thoughts. That's a good trio. Broken, but good. +
(cont'd.) I got up from the couch, forcing myself to actually get things done. Take a shower. Brush my teeth. Brush my hair. Inhale, exhale. Do everything I can to *survive*. To not look like how I feel. Ugly. In my head it's all I can think about, how much people must not like me. Look at me! My layered hair that makes it barely to my shoulders, my eyebags from all the crying and lack of sleep. I'm always awake. I have to be alert. I have to know if something will happen, if something changes. It never does. I don't know why I stay awake anymore. But I like the emptiness to talk to while I stay awake. We share experiences. We know each other. Like it's a person or something. It feels like it is. But the emptiness doesn't talk. I talk to myself, and the emptiness reminds me of things to think about. The crying, screaming, wanting, hoping, praying that the poor emptiness does, just like me. Everything feels like a game. A non-real experience. You just keep doing things until you don't. I don't know why people can actually be in the moment. I never can. I'm always lost in space, in a delusion. Delusions. Reveries. Hopes. Dreams. Prayers. Wishes. Growing. Shrinking. Big. Small. Fast or slow? I don't know. Look at me now. I'm lost. In a sea of lost hope and dreams.
