[Read at your own risk. I made myself cry writing this. TW: Caps, self-hate, mention of d3@th Art - @RandomMidoriya Song - my tears ricochet - Taylor Swift] "I haven't cried since I was a little kid." Now all I can do is cry like a little kid. Why? B. He was my entire reason for living. Now he's gone. I lost my only reason to keep going and now that he's not here I don't have a reason to be either. It's nearly been a week since he's been gone. And I've barely moved. I've been sitting in my room since the day he left. I haven't eaten. I haven't slept. I haven't taken off his sweater. Hell, I don't think I've even blinked. If I have, I don't remember doing so. Azul, Claire, and Caleb all came by yesterday. All three of them tried to talk to me and I didn't move an inch. "R, It's going to be alright." I heard Azul say. "But you need to come out of your room and talk to us. You need to communicate with us. We can help you," She explained. "R, I know you miss him, but I promise, things will get better," I heard Claire say as she sat down next to me on my bed. I didn't even turn to look at her. "We're here for you, R. I promise you. You can scream. Cry. Vent. We don't care. Anything it takes for you to make yourself feel better," Caleb said. I sat there for 10 whole minutes while they tried to get me to speak to them. But after I didn't respond for the hundredth time, they all decided to give me some space. "Just call us if you need anything at all. Okay?" Was the last thing Caleb said before the three of them closed my door and left. I cried for three hours straight after they left. All I can do is cry anymore. I'm surprised I have any tears left to even release. I'm going to be forever traumatized by what happened to him. And the fact I wasn't there to save him makes it even worse. It was right after the weekend Biscuit and I had stayed with Claire and Caleb. After months of avoiding people and icing them out, I was finally communicating with people again. I didn't feel so alone anymore. Then, I made the mistake of staying at home while the others went for a walk. The second night we were there, Claire, Caleb, and I had all fallen asleep watching a movie in Claire's room. But in the morning, after we'd eaten breakfast, Claire suggested we should go out for a walk since it was such a nice day out. I had a bit of a headache, probably from sleeping on the floor, so like an idiot, I said the three of them should go themselves. They were upset I wouldn't come, but when Claire and Caleb's parents told them to go and let me get some rest, they finally caved and left. 20 minutes later, Claire and Caleb came /sprinting/ through the door, both yelling and talking at the same time. I had no idea what was going on since I was upstairs laying down in Claire's room, but I could hear the two of them freaking out while their parents tried to calm them down. It was weird though, I couldn't hear Biscuit talking with them. I was originally going to stay upstairs in Claire's room, but since I couldn't hear B, I got worried and left her room. Claire was so scared she was crying, and Caleb looked like he'd just seen a ghost. While Claire ran into the kitchen to wash her face, Caleb was stumbling over his words, trying to explain to his mom and dad what had happened. But I still couldn't see Biscuit anywhere. Worried about the two, I moved to the stairs to get a better view of what was going on. Then I wished I hadn't. Caleb explained that while they were walking, Biscuit saw a manhole in the road with the lid off. He wanted to see if anyone was down there, but got too to close and fell into the hole. I felt my heart stop. Before I could even think about what I was doing, I ran down those stairs and out the door, immediately running to the street Caleb was talking about. Hours passed. Day turned to night. My mom and dad left their friends early to get back home and see what was going on. And by the time the police had searched most of the underground sewers in Claire and Caleb's neighborhood, all they returned with was Biscuit's greasy, dirty sweater. And the crushing news he was dead. I don't know what happened in that moment. All I remember was Claire and Caleb both yelling my name, but they sounded so far. When I finally realized what was going on, I was on the ground, bawling my eyes out with Claire, Caleb, and my mom and dad standing around me. When I got home that night I went straight to my room and cried myself to sleep. And that's where I've been ever since. I keep getting out of bed at three in the morning, frantically rushing to Biscuit's room, praying to robo-god it was all just a terrible nightmare and that he was still here. That he was still alive. But I'm met with the same empty bed every night. (Continued in notes and credits)
I think I finally moved from my room tonight to go to the bathroom, but I was so overwhelmed by my thoughts I don't even know if I made it out of my room without collapsing on the floor. I keep thinking of him. I can't think of anything but him. I keep thinking of everything we did. Everything that happened between us. Biscuit was my entire life. I loved him more than life itself, and now that he's gone, I don't have a reason to tell myself to stay here. I keep remembering the day Biscuit was born. I was so excited that I had a little brother. Any time he cried, he'd get one hug from me and immediately feel better. When Biscuit was nearly four years old, he had finally learned how to actually walk, and he got his tail stuck in the gate. I had just gotten home from school and saw him desperately trying to get himself unstuck. And I could hear him screaming the exact same thing, over and over again. "Rosa". He knew I wasn't home, yet I was the one he hoped would free him. Sure, it might have been the only word he knew at the time, but he still hoped I'd help him. On his first day of school, he came home with tears streaming down his face. He ran to the bathroom and locked himself in there for half an hour. And when he finally came out, his eyes were hidden underneath his hair. I felt terrible people were making fun of him, and I still never saw his eyes since that day. But I promised I'd always be there for him no matter who made fun of him or who left him. On his tenth birthday, he gave /me/ a gift. He gave me a green ribbon to put on my tail. He said it was because if he didn't have me to guide him as his big sister, he'd probably have done a lot of things incorrectly in his life and messed a lot of things up. But because I was there, he avoided those mistakes. Then, four months later, he died. He was my entire life. Every memory I made was with my little brother. And now he's dead. I found the ribbon in my closet and tied it to the end of my tail the moment I got home. I never knew how much it meant to me until now. I washed his sweater and immediately put it on. It just made me feel like part of him was still there. It's not fair. IT'S NOT FAIR. He was TEN YEARS OLD. He was still a CHILD. HE STILL HAD A LIFE TO LIVE. IT'S NOT FAIR. IT'S NOT FAIR!! I couldn't see a thing. I didn't even know if I was in my room or the washroom. I just kept telling myself the same thing. IT'S. NOT. FAIR. BISCUIT DIDN'T DESERVE THIS. It should have been me. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME. WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE ME? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TAKE AWAY THE ONE THING THAT MEANT THE MOST TO ME? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TAKE AWAY THE ONLY THING THAT KEPT ME GOING IN LIFE? IT'S NOT FAIR, IT'S NOT FAIR! WHY DID YOU TAKE HIM AWAY FROM ME!? I WANT HIM BACK. PLEASE. JUST BRING MY BROTHER BACK. I JUST WANT MY BROTHER BACK. PLEASE!! I JUST WANT MY LITTLE BROTHER BACK. IT'S NOT FAIR. IT'S NOT FAIR. IT'S NOT FAIR!! I somehow finally managed to escape the void of horrifying thoughts. And I'm so glad I did, too. The feeling of getting my senses back was enough to calm me down just a little bit, now that I could finally see again. But I was a little confused as I wondered why I wasn't in my room. Then I caught myself staring at my reflection in the bathroom mirror with the end of my tail pointed directly at my neck.
