I’m still not feeling good. I was doing a little better for a bit but I’m feeling down again. I feel like a disappointment to everyone who ever cared about me. I’m never going to meet thier simple expectations because I’m stupid. I’m worthless. I have all these big dreams I feel like I’ll never be able to accomplish. I keep comparing myself to friends, both online and the few I had irl and im just… Immature, dumb, lazy, and any other thing like that compared to them. I’m pathetic. That’s what I am. Pathetic. I can’t even drop a book off at th library without having a panic attack. How am I supposed to be working and driving a car in two years? Who am I kidding.. how am I supposed to survive like this? I can’t do everyday things because of this anxiety. I feel like I’m going crazy. Like there’s something seriously wrong with me. I can’t order my own food. I can’t call somebody on the phone to ask for something. I can’t.. function. I need to do better. For my family. But I can’t. I’m trying. I’m trying so, so hard. I can’t escape this… this cage. I’m worried. I’m worried I’ll let everyone downl I’m worried I can’t escape this cycle I’ve been stuck in for years. I’ve always wondered why I don’t have friends but now I realize.. nobody in their right mind would want to be friends with me. Why can’t I be how I am online? When I tell friends online I have anxiety they’re shocked, they think I’m lying. This is my safe spot, my fantasy. I’m almost… normal on here. But.. honestly, if you had met me irl I doubt you’d want to be friends with me like we are on here. Everyone thinks I’m just rude,. I try. I try so hard. I’m not being rude. I just don’t know how to talk. I’m so focused on not panicking I can’t comprehend what you’re saying. I’m tired. And the one thing I could do good for this work with and be proud for isn’t the same anymore. It’s… gone. Not forever, but for now. On a break. I didn’t realize how much I needed it until it was gone. I don’t want to disappoint my family but I think I already have… I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to accomplish things. I want to live a long while. I want to start a family when I’m older and publish my stories and open my business I’ve been planning since I was eleven years old. Im scared…. I’m scared this illness won’t let me do that. I’m in chains and I can’t escape, and honestly I sometimes wonder if I’m dragging myself deeper without even realizing it.
