I can’t get a break. It’s too much. Everything’s piling up. I hate myself.. We might need a surgery for our foster, but we’re low on money. Setting up a go fund me is an option but there’s problems with that too. I have no friends.. I need somebody to hug, somebody to comfort me. I don’t have that. I have Chloe and Donnie and Millie.. and you guys mean so much to me. I… I wouldn’t be okay without you. I’m not okay, but I’m better then I would be because of you. The house is a mess. Nobody wants to come over because it reeks, no matter how hard we try we can’t litter train two of these cats and we’re at a loss. They don’t know how much we try, they just think we’re dirty. Our church doesn’t like us. They don’t care we’re missing for months. Every other ministry there gets mentioned, appreciated. Ours? No. We get makeshift tags and sticky notes if we’re lucky. I try so hard.. to be a good sister, daughter. Person in general but every time I fail. I can’t….fix myself. There’s something wrong with me.. I try so so hard but I’m never good enough. There’s always something I forgot or royally messed up. Somebody I hurt when I was just trying to joke or be kind. Somebody is always… disappointed in me. And if it’s not somebody else, it’s me. I recognize my faults and I try and try to fix them and I can’t. I’m not playing victim here, I know it’s my fault. Coming to terms with that hurt but I was determined to fix it. But every t8me I started building my tower and thinking I’d be okay and I could fix this, something larger and worse then before broke it down again. My building blocks are broken. I’m trying my best to fix them myself.. and the three I mentioned help where they can but each t8me my tower is broken down it gets weaker and weaker and the smallest things make it shatter again. I’m never meeting people’s expectations, and I feel guilty for even thinking my problems are as bad as I feel they are which just breaks me down more and more. Even typing this, I feel guilty. So many others are suffering through horrible things and here I am. Worrying about my stupid, selfish, insignificant problems. I have a good life… why am I like this? I always ruin things. And if I try to make them, better I fail. I drown myself in my art, my stories, my friends that I can only see through a screen and leave my problems untreated, smiling. Pretending I’m not about to break. As my problems pile up upon my back. Art and my stories.. my shelter aren’t even safe anymore. Critics I didn’t ask for who never drew telling me how I should draw. People who never wrote telling me my writing is stupid and my stories are ripoffs of other books. The comparisons are killing me. Comparisons to my friends.. people, telling me how they’re better then me. Maybe they’re right. I just want to crawl in my shell and never come out. Never show my art or writing to the world again and just stop caring about what goes wrong. Just let it happen. There’s no point in stopping it, I don’t matter. I’m useless and worthless and that’s how I feel. Even now people reading this are going to think I’m just a cringey teen who doesn’t know what hardships are.. that I’m being selfish. Maybe they’re right.
I’ll probably take this down soon I just needed to get it out of my system. Seriously, a huge thanks to Chloe @smartypantschlo, Donnie @mr-skelecat and Millie @foxhearted2. You guys have helped so much. Lately Chloe especially since I talk to her most, but Donnie and Millie just as much. Thank you. Honestly. You don’t know how much you mean.
