Press space to stop the violent movements of the shower head April Fool's Day is the one day of the year when people critically evaluate news articles before accepting them as true If you had $1 for every year the universe has existed (approximately 13.8 billion years). You wouldn't even make the top 50 on the Forbes list Your stomach thinks that all potatoes are mashed A ton of people is literally 12 to 15 people. The person who would proof read Hitler's speeches was a grammar Nazi Car horns should only be allowed to be in pitches C, E, and G, so whenever two people honk at the same time it will be in harmony and traffic jams will sound like symphonies Taxes are like a subscription to your Country that you can't cancel, no matter how bad the service gets If cats had wings, they'd still just lay there When you say 'Forward' or 'Back', your lips move in those directions I don't know a single person who would want a thinner phone over a few hours of extra battery life It's sad that having real ingredients in food products is a selling point Nothing is on fire, fire is on things Dogs understand several human words. I don’t understand any dog barks. Dogs may be smarter than me If the movie "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids" took place in Australia, those kids would have died real quick There should be a millenial edition of Monopoly where you just walk round the board paying rent, never able to buy anything When people think about travelling to the past, they worry about accidentally changing the present, but no one in the present really thinks they can radically change the future We stick kids in classrooms 7 hours a day, give them another few hours of homework, actively discourage them from playing outside, and then wonder why kids today are so out of shape When I bake bread, I give thousands of yest organisms false hope by feeding them sugar, before ruthlessly baking them to death in an oven and eating their corpses. Have fun eating bread now. Earth is like a guy who knows exactly where to stand next to a bonfire People who are good looking but have terrible personalities are basically real life click baits Vehicles today can surf the web, link to your phone, stream music and videos, etc.. but they still can't perform a simple database lookup to tell you what the check engine light is on for We talk about Ancient Romans like they were basically all the same, but the civilization lasted almost 1000 years. That's like saying people in 2022 and 1022 are basically the same If you think you’re ugly, maybe you’re just not your type "DO NOT TOUCH" would probably be a really unsettling thing to read in braille Tobacco companies kill their best customers and birth control companies kill their future customers Nodding your head is technically also shaking your head Everybody has been the youngest person in the world at one point The oldest picture of you is also the youngest picture of you If you put 2 pieces of bread on opposite sides of the earth, you have made an earth sandwich Once you start clapping, you never stop clapping. The time in between claps just gets longer If the earth was flat, the edge would be a major tourist destination The population of Antarctica probably has the highest average IQ of any continent You likely have an above average number of limbs. More people have lost a limb or two than have an extra limb. 1 horse has 15 horsepower Mercedes has 3 Es and they are all pronounced differently Pacific Ocean has 3 Cs, and they are all pronounced differently The saying “Cheaters never win” is technically true because the cheaters that won didn’t get caught At the age of 60, Snoop Dogg will be 420 in dog years "Go to bed, you'll feel better in the morning" is the human version of "Did you turn it off and turn it back on again?" Maybe plants are really farming us, giving us oxygen until we eventually expire and turn into mulch which they can consume Calculator is usually more embarrassing than search history Lawyers hope you get sued, doctors hope you get sick, cops hope you're criminal, mechanics hope you have car trouble, but only a thief wishes prosperity for you The Olympics should have a 'For Fun' section at the end of all the games so all the athletes can try different sports The Olympics should also have a section where they just gather random people from a random place of each country. I want to see how impressive the real athletes actually are. Tall people are expected to use their reach to help shorter people, but if a tall person were to ask a short person to hand them something they dropped on the floor it'd be insulting What if Earth is like one of those uncontacted tribes in South America, like the whole Galaxy knows we're here but they've agreed not to contact us until we figure it out for ourselves Cemeteries would be way more interesting if they put the cause of death on the headstone Aliens invaded the Moon on July 20th, 1969
