Hi. It's me. The "nice" guy. The "goofy ahh memes" guy. The one who's always putting on a brave face. The one who keeps making the same old mistakes. But not anymore. I'm ready. Ready to change. Recently i found out someone i knew here was thinking of k!lling themselves. I'm not gonna name names since i want to respect their privacy, but it made me realize something. Usually, in nearly all the friend groups i've been in (which is a lot; my family moves around quite a bit), i'm always the guy to diffuse situations. To stop the arguments. To fix everything up like a godforsaken therapist. And what i realized was that i couldn't take that role this time. This was a genuine problem, and i had little to no say. My actions meant nothing. I thought maybe i meant nothing. Schoolwork for me is a love hate relationship for me too; it obstructs the time i have for art (which i'll get to later) and it occasionally deals big hits to my mentality. Failed tests, assignments, drama, etc. It sucks. Going on to the art i make, it feels like i HAVE to make so much just to please everyone; and sometimes i wonder if my art itself is even any GOOD. Compared to the styles of people like marley, alice, and cate, it just just feels like mine is...childish in comparison. Really the only Ocs i have the boys (whose designs are probably lackluster) and the megucas (who are almost all designed by other people). I’ve considered redesigning them, but there’s like a spiritual attachment that prevents me from making any major changes. On the topic of my art itself, i feel like i should change it up too, but i cant. Sometimes i ask myself why i have the friends i do. I admit, i’m not a perfect person sometimes. None of us probably are. But the way you guys make art and characters, with all those details, near-perfect proportions, lighting, shading (which is something i only just have started attempting), and then i look at the things i’ve drawn? You guys are leagues ahead of me. I still don’t see sometimes how you guys can say all these nice compliments about my art. The thing is, you guys are amazing people, and you guys make me happy. And i guess i feel like i have to do at least twice as much, so you’ll feel the same thing, or notice me. But it feels selfish on my part, and i hate that. This was basically my mentality for the art camp fiasco; at the start i wanted to prove myself and do every prompt; but as the days keep coming by, not a lot of people on sun did the prompts, so i felt like i had to be the own leading the charge, going above and beyond every day so we could win. And it hurt. All i had to show for myself was 2/3rds art in total, terrible burnout, and sun didn’t win anyway. It felt selfish then, and feels selfish now. That’s my problem, i guess. Always needing to be the nice guy, to fix everything, to be noticed by the people close to me. But you guys… You guys are all amazing people. I can just be myself. (Almost) Transparent. I care about you guys, but you do the same for me. And i thank you guys for that. Yall are the some of the best friends a guy could ask for; you make amazing art, you care about one another, and and i don't how, or even WHY, but...you guys care about me too. I never thought i'd share these feelings, but i'm glad i did. I feel more.. FREED in a way. Last year, in terms of friends i didn't have many. I don't know if it was genuine at the start, but i got invited to a lunch group of older students. This was in about march, and we were "friends" until the end of the school year. I was the comedy guy, which was basically all i did. Make a stupid joke, get a short burst of validation, maybe even a short conversation, rinse, and repeat. But sometime at the start of June, i snapped. i'd been a victim of bullying for half the year, but earlier that week they'd moved right next to us. They started to bully me again, and i just...speed-walked away in frustration. Maybe i could've done more. It probably wouldn't have mattered though. This is when i noticed that my "friends" didn't care about me emotionally. They didn't think to follow me, or talk to me about what happened. I passed them on the stairs later, and all they said was a simple "hi". They acted like nothing happened. It took me until the end of the next week to realize that when i wasn't being funny, they didn't want to interact with me. I was just.. there. On the sidelines while they chatted amongst themselves. But it took me even longer to tell them my suspicions and feelings. I got shut down the first time, and a week later (around the final day of school), i tried a second time. And you know what one of them told me? "No one cares about your feelings." A real pleasant bunch, those girls were.
(cont'd.) But with you guys, i can still be the funny guy, but the difference is that you guys DO care about my problems. And sometimes, that's all anyone needs; they don't even have to say anything, they just have to at least listen to the other person's issues. I know I haven’t been honest. I’ve been bottling up all these feelings, and all it did was cause regret. But i’m ready to change things. For the better. For you guys. For my parents. For my sake. Thanks for everything you’ve done, guys. It means a lot more than you know. Never change, and keep being crazy. Best wishes -Cam
