A: Child! Don’t make me come up there and be a parent! B: FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING! ——— A: Uh-oh. B: Is that a good uh-oh, or a bad uh-oh? C: Is there ever a good uh-oh? ——— A: Tale as old as time B: Meme as old as vine Both, singing: beauty and the YEEEETT!! C: Wha- D: Don't. Questioning it only encourages them. ——— A: This is pushing your luck. B: Yeah, well, luck pushed me first. ——— A: I know you want to keep me safe, but the only way to do that is to wrap me in bubble wrap and hide me in a cave. B: Believe me, I've thought about it. ——— “If someone doesn’t travel from the future to tell me how bad an idea it is, then how bad could it be?” -A ——— I think we’re at a point where we can stop villainizing the witch from Hansel and Gretel. Some kids ate her house. She gets to eat them. It was a fair deal. — A ——— Shoutout to the clerk at the store who looked at the cookbook I was buying, looked at the book on poison I was also buying, paused, and asked if I had big weekend plans. -A ——— A: I’ve only slept nine hours over the past four days, so I’m right on the verge of a nervous breakdown. A: [bites into their goggles/glasses] A: This isn’t a bagel. ——— I could get killed… or worse, A might give me a lecture on responsibility again. -B ——— A: Remember kids! Be yourself, stay healthy, commit arson, steal from the government, and eat the rich- B: Okay, that’s enough. ——— A: B! Time to get out of bed, the sun is up! B: So? It's not like I need to photosynthesize or anything. ——— A: Well, I can't go to a bad movie by myself! A: What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers? ——— I used to have goals. They were evil goals, but they were goals. -A ——— One time I ate about one hundred and fifty jalapeños in under two minutes. Everyone at the emergency room was so impressed. -A ——— A: Feeling better? B: The yelling's on the inside instead of the outside now. ——— A: Were you killed?? B: Sadly, yes... B: ...BUT I LIVED! ——— A: Every talk I have with you people gets more and more absurd! B: You say “you people” like you’re not a part of the family. Well, I’ve got news for you, A. You’re already on the Christmas card. ——— A: Tall people: if we are walking together, please take into consideration my small legs. I can’t keep up with you. Please think of my small legs, I don’t want to be jogging to keep up with your leisurely stroll, you TITANS. B: Just get a pair of roller skates and hold onto my sleeve, we don’t have all day. ——— Have you ever looked at an authority figure and thought, ‘Wow, I respect a well-grilled hot dog more than I respect you.’ -A ——— A: I guess it's a new year. B: Yeah, so? A: I dunno... I guess I forgot to do something awesome to ring in the new year. B: Well, what did you do on New Year's Eve? A: Slept for three days straight. B: ...A- A: I just woke up. ——— The gang on a Tea Cup Ride: A and B: *spinning calmly, enjoying their ride in peace* C, D, E, and F: *flying past them, spinning as fast as they can, screaming* ——— You know what family means to me? Resentment. Guilt. Anger. Easter egg hunts that turn into knife fights. -A
