Im currently writing this from my school Chromebook and Im still half asleep, even though its the afternoon so thisll be short (I hope) Im sick, been sick the past week, Ive been coughing and my allergy to my cat isn't helping a lot. my nose is getting clogged making it hard for me to breathe, making it hard for me to sleep. that's why I'm still tired, that and I feel I'm not drinking enough water I have lots of work from school, extracurricular activities, and home so I cant get on a lot and its hard for me to make time for myself I'm trying to stay positive about 2022, after all, its barely 2 weeks into 2022, but last year was a whole rollercoaster of shirt weighing me down so far these two weeks have been the same, I'm trying to get out and then I have my family to worry about, I'm trying to make my parents proud but I feel like nothing I do can make them happy of who I am and I feel like my little brother is only making it worse currently I have my room upstairs where I can at least shut the door, keep them out but I cant keep the thoughts out In the last weeks of 2021 i seriously considered k!lling myself so that wasn't a good way to end 2021, was it i want to keep the negative energy out keep the positive energy in if i keep it in wont the positive energy stay make me positive make me feel better feel better about my life my existence my parents my family my friends won't it help to keep all the positive in for myself until I'm ready to share it? won't it? --- we've been staying at home all week and i hate it, i hate being at home, and its too cold, too cold to go outside, so I'm stuck inside, listening to the news say "it may snow today, it may snow tomorrow" what does "it may" mean to me? it will? it won't? why should i base hope, something I'm going to rely on heavily, on something as flimsy as a prediction that can be changed so easily? then again, on site school isn't much better - i feel like the people who used to sit behind me, i feel like they're only trying to bring me down more at least one of them tries to positively support me it makes me think maybe, maybe there are some positive people in this world people who can be your friends, laugh with you, tease you, criticize you, all in a joyful way people who can be your nontoxic friend, someone wholl understand you when you cry, who will let you rant at them and yell at them and will do the same, and still both of you will know that the other doesn't mean it, that you don't mean it i know that i need a person like that in my life, and i already have an amazing friend who I've known since kindergarten, we've had our fights, we've cried, yelled at each other, had sleepovers, blew each other's houses up in Minecraft... this is the person i need in my life, and if i already have one and feel the need for another... does that mean I'm failing? failing at something that no one else is failing at? because everyone else everyone else i see is happy, joyful, careless, perfect. what i wish i could be that i know i cant be thank you for listening to me, i really appreciate you taking the time to read through all of this,,, and ill stay with you, ok? ill hold you up, even if youre not doing the same for me, because im trying to be a nice person trying to spread the kindness i dont have, i didnt recieve, or didnt recieve enough of Thank you.
