EDIT - I know you guys wanted a happy one. Sorry. But this has been stuck in my trash for too long. I don't plan on doing anything with it so have at it. Hey if this project gets taken down, i'll just delete the notes section and put - "vent". but those who saw this and read it first would know. thats all. just saying cause I don't see many "talk" about their vents here. OC - @BasicMuffin song - missing home - nineishuman
hey. this was in my trash. it needs to get out, breathe, touch grass, and leave me alone. :'D Story behind it this project? Well, I plan to keep it vague. I'll repeat words because I don't want to be too specific, even on a children's website. Not that its not appropriate, but because its somewhat still online. Thats all. So, I can't exactly go in detail. And this takes place in the past Five years' time. I will not state the exact year. Know that it took place when we were nearing the end of our school lives. All letters are random and indicate a different person. it's about an old friend who I had grown at least comfortable with them. Can't exactly say we're pals; we were only just friend. So, the friendship never lasted long. But it was one friendship that somewhat scar me. Bringing back the topic, I'd share my stories, my likes and being the naive person I was. I AM naive. I'm aware that it takes time to open up with new people. I simply like to chat. And because I usually don't see a person "bad". Which might have been my mistake, considering the world is scary and not always sane. This friend, let's call M, was friends with another close friend of mine, we'll say H. I think M realized how much I like to talk. And they'd listen with glee on their face. Eventually, I talked to M about i want to accomplish. and to me, it's a personal ambition goal I hope to achieve. M, behind my back, used what they knew of me with H in a not so good way kind of talk. Which, weird? What about my dream goal was offensive to M? Meanwhile, I have good loyal, T and R, and they told me immediately. And this was when I had barely even afford a phone and rarely communicate via phone. So imagine my heart, becoming so heavy when I read the screenshots and messages from M. There was no remorse. And they were being so rude to H, about me. There was no regret in M's words, another way to say it. and the following day, M didn't act different when we had a class together; they act natural and casual. As if they weren't badmouthing me and my personal goal the day before. Sure, I talk a lot. But I know when to stay quiet. I just didn't think my personal goal offended M. Naturally, I thought it would be about me being "attached" or "too talkative", when I heard about M.I always worry its because I don't know boundaries. I usually learn. Continue to learn. Im not justifying for the many times I'd make my friends uncomfortable because I didn't understand their boundaries. But I understood enough about the general kind of boundaries everyone wants. I guess I never expected that I'd had an enemy so soon that I had already considered "a friend of my friend is a friend of mine". They would tell me they did this for my well being. What well being? M argued with H about me, tried to plot H against me, tried to pressure me to give up my ambition, tried to even rally her own friend, Q, to choose between H or herself. Frankly, even I got lost in this pointless battle. It was a constant battle, being caught in the middle just because I said something that did not sit well with M or Q. I was overwhelmed. and scared. Why did M try to persuade me to give up? Why would M tell me to choose between H and her? And it started just because I told her about what I like, to create, to grow with? Questions I'd asked myself and to this day, I'm still baffled. I was shocked. I wasn't upset or angry or hurt. I felt pity at myself. Telling myself this is what you get for trusting people. This is what happens when you let yourself talk. And this entire conversation put me in a very uncomfortable position. I never had to choose between my friends. This small interaction had at least zipped my lips for a good while. I didn't want to offend anyone with my ambition. Even i was starting to think my goal shouldn't become my ambition anymore. Obviously, we don't talk anymore. I ended up being the thing they use to hold things together. The last time we ever did talk was when I offered to reevaluate my goal into something she likes and become the peacemaker between her and my friend. that stop her for a while. I don't plan on changing my goal. I like what I'm doing. Should I be angry at M? Hold a grudge? Feel skeptical next time and cautious? I don't know. This incident happened a while ago. Long time, actually. M would pretend they don't know me. Even when its a small greeting when we do projects together, M would ignore me. I don't see M often anymore. But I think about it all the time. If I talk too much, it's because im comfortable. But I know that even then it makes others uncomfortable. So, I'm stuck with this unwanted guilt I caused between H and M. Because of me, their friendship severed, even if I played peacemaker. P.S, when I say my "personal goal", its not like I mean it as, I want to be able to exercise this much or I want to read this many books before the end of the year. So theres my story. My vent story. Pretty vague.
