⠀⠀⠀Hmm I guess I have to start letting out some air from the balloon and start sweeping out dust under the carpet... ( ✎ ) This is going to be a lot to say so please take a seat... I can't do it anymore. I don't know what to do with my life anymore... everything I see now scares me- it's like everything people tell me is a threat- something that can hurt me.. I don't know why- or how. It's just all of a sudden when I feel tired- I feel alone, I feel empty... When people ask me "how are you doing?" I don't know how to reply, if I say I don't know back- they'll start worrying and asking questions... but if I say I'm good (which I do most of the time sadly...) they wouldn't know, and they wouldn't ask. I feel pressured when people worry- I feel like- It's my fault. It's my fault they're worrying about me, it's my fault they're sad. It builds up guilt in me and I regret it... but what's worse? No one ever bothers asking me if I feel ok, until I show it until I start acting weird. It's such a pain that no one seems like they care.. it hurts. I'm afraid of telling everyone, every single thing I go through- it just scares me. People will start seeing me as a different person- they'll treat me like I'm a "special case". This recently started last week. I was up late at night doing homework- it's just then all of a sudden- I felt sad-? or empty... I don't know. I feel a deep longing in my heart, but I just feel pain.. something I can't describe on my own. I figured I wasn't taking care of myself well because of lack of sleep and stress-. Maybe I was ignoring important signs of mental health illnesses. I suddenly saw things differently, like I said in the beginning I saw everything as a threat. I- when people talk to me on scratch these days... I feel like they're mad at me- was it the way they type-? But I knew bottling up your feelings isn't healthy. I still did it for my whole life. I'm scared of letting my opinions out. I'm afraid of people I love (in real life) I feel like- I'm going to get hurt... These thoughts- they come in and out of my head when I'm alone, by myself. I cry myself to sleep, till the point I have forgotten how to breathe... My head- they tell me I'm alone, that no one cared. I wasn't anything special to this world, that everyone treated me like trash. I told myself to calm down and everything was going to be ok, but what was the point? It didn't help one bit and I was still hurting. I knew most of them were true... I'm so grateful for the people who have been there for me, but the minute they leave I feel alone. I've finally decided to let some things go, to let them out, and hopefully, it will help. My featured project? It has more meaning than it seems... did you know only about 5 people asked I was ok? I cried the second @-m_boi- asked me if I was ok, he and I may not talk much on scratch, but he came to my profile and asked if I was ok, that really was something I appreciated but it hurts at the same time. I'm doing fine with family if that's what your thinking currently. But to be honest, every Friday when I get home- my parents would always be mad at each other the minute I got home from school on Friday. I was mad, this makes me feel like it's my fault they argued, but also I felt like I was the adult in the situation. I was the one who was expected to be responsible to clean up the mess. Sometimes, those fights get physical.. and things get broken... I have to watch this happen. I had to take care of my mom, and what was the worst part? It hurts me more to see her cry, she has done nothing to this family but supported all 4 of us for a living. Did I mention that she is the only one making money? It makes me mad to hear these students in my school talk about how poor their family is, or how they get abused, that was the past, and you have to let it go other people deal with things way worst than you do. Just talking about this reminds me... most people think I have nothing based on the stress, and pressure my parents put on me. My parents love me I know, but it's hard for me to even call my dad a father figure in my life. From what he's done to me isn't right and he can't notice that. So please just don't tell me to run away or call some phoneline. Not to mention with school, it's still the same, me having to stay up late every single night to do homework. It's too much stress on me. I've been so insecure... every time I hear my name I want to scream.. what were they talking about? I know it's always something bad. But not to mention that I'm sensitive? I feel like- when someone tells me something or does something I feel like it's my fault- and the minute they leave- it's just me sitting there trying to think what I've done wrong... The guilt distracts me from everything but in the wrong way. I lay in bed trying to think what to do, what to say, but nothing helps the only thing my brain can do is just give more negative thoughts Again with the featured project, that's what it means
