I feel sick. I feel horrible. I'm horrible. The more the person in my head says it, the more I believe it. They curse at me and tell me I'm just a stupid self centered idiot and that nobody likes me or cares about me and they say things I know aren't true like people wouldn't care if I were gone, but then that gets me wondering what would happen if I WERE gone, or pretended to be gone, and then it feels good to think people must care and I hate it. I wish they would just shut up. Stop lying. Please stop. But I don't really because what they say often feels true. I am horrible. I deserve to be punished. But then I try to punish myself and I'm a wimp. I can't take it. And then all I want is to be punished for how horrible I am, and I keep trying, and failing, and burning my heart and mind. Like there's someone in my head gaslighting me it's ridiculous I can't stand it. I get mad sometimes because I do stupid stuff, and they take control and begin to curse at me and repeat over and over all these bad things until it's almost constant. My only distractions are when I get to go outside and have fun but then I'm just mindblowingly stupid. I don't even know anymore. I don't know anything. I don't know if I'm horrible. I don't know if I should be punished. I don't know if I'm writing this to get it off my chest, or to manipulate people and make them care. I don't fricking know what to say. I don't know if I want it to stop. I don't know I don't know I don't know anything at all
