I haven't been active for a reason...or two.
I lost contact with a friend...And I remembered Leo. I never talked about this to anyone, but he has been dead for almost a year ago. Leo was a beautiful spotted appaloosa, he was a old horse though... I was on the horse everyday for lessons, then on day, i wanted to do a super small cross rail with him. So I did, he hit it,but to where something felt off...like not normal hitting cross rails. Later that weak (I think it was Wednesday?) I got a text from where I take riding lessons. It was about Leo. He fell into a mud hole in the drylot, when he got out, he couldn't stand...So they...well, you know... I blamed myself for his death because of what I did, you might just think i am over reacting, but from what I have learned and heard, ever scene my lesson then, he wasn't recomemded as much to the younger riders, that was because of his legs... I will always blame myself for it, no one can change my mind. Why am I saying this? Well it's because sometimes I think about him, then I get into a brake down on why it was my fault, I lash out at others, I stay away from people to not drag them into my hole of blame with me. I will be taking a brake, but just know...Leo was the world to me, I loved him, cared for him, ANY excuse just to see him, then I got the news. My world was shattered, I have a hard time bonding with horses now because i'm afraid i will loose them to...it have happened to many times to me. I'm glad you read this far because it means a lot to me...but to anyone I lash out at, not that I don't mean it, i'm just scared and afraid and upset... for the ppl I am colabing w/ , they will be delayeed because of this, all CCs I enter won't be in by deadline unfortunetly, and for the MAPs, the parts are being worked on, but motivation isn't with me rn.
