Look, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m such a stupid, selfish creature, ok? I hate me too, no need to rub it in, folks. I’m not ready. School is too complex and too much. Mom and Dad suck at being sympathetic, and I never let my feelings show to those outside my family. I keep procrastinating on literally everything. It’s a bad place to be. I cried myself to sleep last night. I’m lonely. I wish I didn’t live where I did, caged in and away from any semblance of “home”. I don’t have any best friends. I don’t have any friends at this point. I refuse to eat. I’m not hungry. I disobey people out of anxiety and some desire for control in a world that is going far too fast for me to keep up with. A teacher asked to speak with me after class. I want to scream. I’m not going to leave this realm, of course. I might think about it, but I won’t. I’m too much of a coward. ST will probably hate me posting this, but I have nowhere else to go. I’ll unshare it in a little while. I would drag other people down into this void if I could. Sacrifice them so I could escape, but the void doesn’t take sacrifices. I will only be making it stronger. There are others who have pushed me to this point. I will not name them for fear of conflict, but they are there. It is mostly me to blame, though. I wish I wasn’t such a mess and a burden. I wish people actually liked me. I wish my anxiety would go away and let me live a normal life. My new favorite self-deprecating phrase? “I hate that more than I hate myself, which is saying something, because I REALLY hate myself.” Nobody ever really asks if I’m ok. It’s all my fault. I’ve ruined everything. “Oh youngling, you silly, silly child, look what you’ve gotten yourself into.”
