flag, click or right arrow to go forward. No backwards. sorry. I took the liberty to do a bit of resizing and such, but I didn't change the text at all. story is @xX_Lucielle_Xx's. I gave... a lot of critique. Use what you want. Ask questions if you're confused!! --- here are some things I liked about your story --- - It's super immersive! You throw the reader right into your world with action-packed prose and a quick-moving story. - Overall, the dialogue isn't forced! It sounds really natural, as if actual people would say it. - The idea is super interesting so far! I can't wait to read more! --- here are some things you could improve on --- - The capitalization and grammar. Although it doesn't take much away from the story, it's important to do a quick once-over before sharing to catch tricky mistakes like capitalizing "i" and making sure most words are lowercase, unless they begin a sentence or are a NAME (not title). The grammar is mostly good -- but it could use a few copy edits. On the first page, you say "woman's' " instead of simply "woman's" and don't add an apostrophe in "what's." It's minimal, but can make a big difference. - The tenses. You switch between present ("I run out of my house") and past ("Outside was a huge dilemma"). Pick one tense and stick with it, or it could be jarring to the reader and take them out of your carefully crafted world! - The sizing. Very minimal, but it can affect how people read it. Don't be afraid to move some text into another slide, or let there be some margins on the top or bottom. If a word is too long, simply move it to the line below! Don't worry -- your space isn't really limited! - The colors. Again, this isn't super important, but it would be easier to read if it were black on white, or some dark color on a pastel color (like pale blue). - The spacing. Whenever there's a new person talking, use that "return" key on your keyboard to make another paragraph! It's a general rule of grammar and makes your writing more professional and easier to read. The other spacing issue I had was with every new paragraph. It's okay to add two spaces between every paragraph to make it easier to read, especially on Scratch. (see all of @-otherworldly-'s work to see what I mean)
--- now for the specific critique --- PAGE ONE: - Why does she come out of the house? Is she heading to school, or does she hear something and want to check it out? Is there anybody else in the house, like her family or pets? - How does she react to these sounds? They're obviously not ones you hear everyday. And what's the "metal crashing against metal"? That's never really resolved. - Spacing. (see above) - Were they really running from "nothing," or were they pointing up at the sky, screaming, or maybe cowering under overhangs? Your descriptions are vivid, but they can be improved! - Your use of the word "particular" gives your prose a more informal feel, which doesn't carry into the rest of it. You could edit the rest to be more informal, or take this out. - "woman's'" should be "woman's." Also, how does she react? - "Whats" should be "what's." And "i" should be "I." And it would be nice to have a paragraph break after this sentence. - Does she start to say anything before she "shrieks"? And what does her "melting" look like? - Capitalize "i." - Tenses! (See Instructions) - The sentences in the middle there are a bit confusing. "I look up into the rain. The violet skies were what they were running from. The rain." Firstly, the tenses switch very quickly, which is jolting and makes it hard to follow. There's also no realization here. How does Skylar know this? Even a simple "I realized what they were running from the violet skies" would be nice! It also brings the sentence out of passive voice and puts the subject first, which makes it more active and engaging. - What kinds of "monstrous things"? What do they look like? PAGE TWO: - You go over later that the door is locked and nobody can get in, not even Skylar. So why is she surprised? - How does she slide "on the ground" AND fall "on a bench"? Is the bench on the ground? - Why did she slide on the ground and punch the door anyway, if she was going to hurt herself? - "The" should be capitalized, because it isn't "he said" (etc). If a sentence after the quotation is describing the quotation, it should be capitalized. (also - add a paragraph break there to make it easier to read) - A new person is talking (Skylar), so we need a paragraph break. - SUPER confusing here. Reread and add in paragraph breaks! - Sam goes back on what he's saying - "We've met before. Well, you met a friend of mine" - which is confusing. - Nowheresville? Where are they now? Why isn't Skylar confused at this wonderfully strange name? And in that vein, why isn't Skylar confused at ANY of this? PAGE THREE - Capitalize "I" - "Your" should be "you're," because it stands for "you are." - I think you mean "human," not "humane." - "and with a swish of his tail he left." should be "And, with a swish of his tail, he left." [paragraph break] - I adore your descriptions. Honestly. They're so pretty. "Soft cloudy blanket." - WAIT WHAT? We didn't know they were "tiny" before. That would've been nice to know. - Tenses. Tenses. Tenses. - Why didn't she take out this blade before? PAGE FOUR - snake?? What?? - Don't you mean "A murderer WOULDN'T be as light hearted as him"? - why does she keep trying to open her door? how long has she lived there? - paragraph break whenever someone new is talking! PAGE FIVE - You missed out on a great character/world building opportunity! "The day I have a key is the day I live somewhere fancy" falls a bit flat. "The day I have a key is the day I live at the queen's palace" tells us there's a queen, or "The day I have a key is the day I live with my family" could tell us she doesn't live with her family. The possibilities are endless; I encourage you to go farther! - "i" should be capital. - Skylar is suddenly acting like she knows him. What's the context? What does he even look like? What's his name? - A rabbit foot for a necklace is pretty standard, especially a few hundred years ago. It's a common good luck charm. If it's less common in this world, explain why -- is it because some of the animals talk? - read this far? congrats. comment "woah" PAGE SIX - Just,,, capitals. - "Whos" should be "Who's" - "Father" doesn't need to be capitalized. - Paragraph breaks, please! And capitals. - He looks like "a demon"? Why aren't these details she noticed earlier? - "Die" should be "die." - "Clouds??" what?? SOME FINISHING STUFF like,,, why is she in danger? I can't wait to see what happens next!! sorry for writing so much XD
