edit - yo i'm feeling sorta better guys, thank you for the kind words! I'm trying to think up something fun to share next :3
it's one thing to know something will happen, another to see it occur they always try to tell you nicely. those cowards, they should just come out and say it: "oh well we think u stink so don't u dare come to our school ok?" then at least i could get mad at them. now it's just me feeling petty and stupid and wishing i could have done more somehow, to change the minds of these people who don't even know me. they might have given me a chance -- i am special, i am. i am. am i? but i guess the only person in this equation who thought i was extraordinary was me. not that i really had a reason to think that. just that i convinced myself that even if i didn't give it my everything and win tons of awards or take up leadership positions or create the most beautiful animations, they would still believe i had talent and potential and something valuable to give to the world but i deceived myself so hard and at the same time i believed that nothing i could do would make them accept me, so i didn't try my best and now i have to pay for it and it hurts because i'm falling into "what ifs" over and over again but now it's set in stone and it leaves me lost in the darkness i'm always so afraid of why am i even here? what is my life for? am i really just going to live and die and then be forgotten? do i have nothing to contribute? am i powerless against the hands of fate? do i have a place? do i have a purpose? mama and papa say, some things are just not meant to be. i know. i know it's true but i don't want it to be like that. mama bakes apples and we eat hot pot at dinner so my tongue rejoices and papa rattles off statistics of the other people who were rejected so my ears know solidarity. so many other people looking for a chance. but my eyes are just crying for myself, because i'm selfish and i can't be happy for everyone who is talented and hardworking and who they did accept and who will be there on that beautiful terrible campus in the fall. the fall, my fall. i wanted it to be mine and now it is -- my down-fall, hehe nothing good is born of spite. so maybe nothing good will be born of me, this hateful girl who wanted her own success to spite the town that never accepted her because she was too different from them how ironic. now i'm not being accepted because i'm not different enough from everyone else. what does the world want from us? to fit in--to stand out? my dream is dead but i'm still alive and i don't know what to do. the boy who's sat next to me in jazz band every year said when we were younger that i was going to work at pixar someday. it was so encouraging to me at the time. now it taunts me it haunts me i don't know what to do well...i guess i'll just have to figure it out as i go. i'm sorry guys this is definitely an interruption of my regularly scheduled programming haha -- with any luck i will bounce back pretty quickly, out of all the disappointments in my life this has been the biggest yet, but i know it's not the end of the world, i'm just kind of upset rn but i figured maybe sharing it would make me feel a bit better, and i think it will. usually i like to keep this all to myself, but you all have been such an important part of my art journey and i feel like you can understand some of this in your own lives too. i really appreciate the support and connections i've found with you here on Scratch, and that's why i still feel like i want to keep drawing and sharing even though i know now that i don't really have a career in it for me. so thank you so much, you have no idea how much that means to me <3 and i'll hopefully have something more cheerful to bring to you soon!
