***DISCLAIMER: this project does have to do with religion, so if that is a source of discomfort or trauma for you, then I would suggest skipping this project. Because I know this project has to do with religion, I wanna clear something up. I believe that LGBTQ+ is completely valid. This is a safe space for anyone who is part of that community. <3 *** I had to fill out a form today from my (religious) school and one of the questions that was asked was “why has your faith weakened or grown” and on a previous question I had answered that my faith has weakened over the past year, and this was my response (I just wanted to vent about this to you guys as well because it’s been weighing on my mind, and I was wondering if anyone else felt the same way ): “ There’s not any one specific reason, and some things I don’t really want to get into even though this is anonymous. I’ve found myself questioning so many things. I’m really confused about a lot. I feel guilty about questioning so much (literally in tears while writing this). There are some rules in the Bible that I don’t really agree with any more (or that I feel are more harmful than helpful) or that I don’t feel like are needed- and so it’s hard knowing that I’m questioning God. I know, I know, “God has a reason for everything” but what is the reason? With some things, I genuinely can’t think of an answer to that, and I haven’t found it anywhere. I’ve honestly never been a good Christian. I just have never gotten anything out of it? There are so many people who talk about how their faith has made them feel so much more secure and they are so much happier or whatever, but that’s never been me. I’ve never been the type of person to be interested in religion for good reasons. It’s always been out of fear of going to h3ll. I’ve realized I have been trying to pursue religion because I don’t want to end up in h3ll instead of pursuing religion out of the love of God/Jesus. I don’t find going to Church enjoyable, I don’t enjoy faith class (not because it’s a bad class I just feel so uninterested and bored by religion), I don’t like reading the Bible, and I haven’t felt better about anything in any regard because of religion. I’ve stopped praying recently. It feels too hypocritical. I feel guilty about praying because I know that I’m going to intentionally sin at some point again. It feels like (and it’s really always been this way for me) I just prayed because it’s what I’m supposed to do- good Christians pray. Bad Christians don’t. I’ve realized this, so I’ve stopped. There’s no point in me doing it unless I mean it. I guess that’s the whole problem- I never really meant much of anything. So I’ve stopped pretending, I guess (at least stopped pretending to myself, I still hide my struggle with religion from others). I don’t know why I stopped pretending in these last few months but I have. I want to try to build my faith but I don’t feel like I’m ready (and to be honest- part of me doesn’t want to right now). It’s scary, because I know if I di3d tonight I wouldn’t be going to heaven. Yet I somehow have grown apathetic about it, even though I still find it scary. I feel like there’s no place where I’d feel safe talking about all of this. I feel like I’ll be judged, and I don’t want people to know that I have pretty much entirely lost my faith. I wish I had that outlet, but I don’t feel like I do.”
YEAH SUCH A FUN, LIGHTHEARTED TOPIC AM I RIGHT? :’D but yeah, I put this out here because I wanted to spark a conversation, and to see if anyone else has been feeling the same way I have been feeling for quite some time now. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I might not answer immediately depending on the question, as I’m trying to work through my (mild) religious trauma so it might be hard for me. I want this to be a safe space for everyone to discuss things, and get whatever is on your mind off your chest, so feel free to do so.
