✏️ This is a rant. Start reading here. ⚠️ Thursday, February 27th, 2025. 9:47 P.M. I’m crying as I write this. I thought I would change this year. That I would actually start to feel better about the choices I made. To truly feel better, to be proud of the amazing life I have the privilege of living. It sucks to ruminate on negative experiences and feelings, but there’s at this point there’s nothing I can do anymore. At times, it feels like nobody truly understands how I feel. And there are also times in my life when I strongly feel like people do understand. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve vented to my teachers and my friends this year. They’re absolute miracles. My heroes. They live in my head at this point, subconsciously guiding me to make every decision. Quite frankly, I wouldn’t be alive right now without them. “Are you still feeling stressed?” “Well, right now, I’m okay… I’ve been on and off.” “And that’s normal!” “I hope so…” This sounds familiar… Lately, I’ve been struggling. Again? Again. I have always tried to be perfect, to be the best version of myself that I could possibly be. It’s just how I am, I don’t even think about it anymore. But then one day, something clicked in my head: I don’t have to be perfect anymore. Heck, I can just go to sleep instead of staying up at night trying to finish my work. I can be lousy. Life allows for that. So there you go, I completely ditch what I’ve been doing for the past three years for like, 6 long weeks, and now I have to come back to it. To perfection. Wow, this will be so easy. From feeling like the worst to the best again in a day. Oh my Lord. “People have been telling me that I need to find ‘the balance’. So I’ve been trying to, but for the past three years, I’ve always made sure every assignment I did was perfect before I turned it in. And now that I’m turning work in that I don’t feel is good enough, I feel bad.” And he understood how I felt… I could see it in his eyes… I’ve been journaling since December of 2023. That has changed my life. But lately, it’s been becoming more of a chore instead of an outlet. On top of the many assignments I have, I still have to write about everything the day has blessed me with. That’s a heck of a lot of events. And quite frankly, it’s been hard for me to keep up. Now I have 6 days that I missed. Each day takes me around 2 hours, and I have to recall everything that happened at school each day. Of course, it’s my choice, but I feel restless if I don’t do it. It was to a point where I wondered, “do I have OCD or something?” So I did my research, and I know for a fact I don’t have anything. I’m not depressed. I don’t have anxiety. I know I experience panic attacks and stuff, but they aren’t completely real; just strangely intense facades so that people won’t bother me and so I can vent. So great, I’m not diagnosed, I don’t have a problem. Well then? Get yourself together, kid. You’ve talked to everyone more than enough already. With all their advice, can I simply do my work? Get those entries done? Be HAPPY? The thing is, I know how it was like to live a perfect life, with all my homework done, getting A+’s, the absolute star student who had NEVER talked crap about how she felt because quite frankly, I FELT NOTHING. It’s like I never got sad, I never cried, and if I did, I did. I wouldn’t have been able to talk to all my friends and teachers and have all these extraordinary conversations if it weren’t for my “anxiety”. Maybe this is why I do it? No, I’m just purely struggling. Every day I have missing work that I have to do. I NEVER MISSED WORK BEFORE. And trying to live to these expectations that I’ve been able to live up to before? My word, it feels like absolute hell sometimes. The cycle is that I have work when I get home. Okay. I also want to write my extremely unnecessary, but necessary diary entry. So I try to do that first, but I’m afraid of not getting something that someone said right. So then I go on Scratch or do something else, whatever, maybe some other assignment. This takes me HOURS of procrastination, purely due to the fear of failure. Do you understand? I’ve truly gained a lot of maturity last year. Being 12 is not the same as being 13. But it pains me sometimes that I must feel this way. I’m more stressed about school than my own principal is. Isn’t that ironic? “You think more about your grades than your teachers do. We just click a button and never look at it again!” God, how I love my teachers. My friends. I am in love with humanity. It intrigues me how I’m an optimist and yet I still deal with the side effects of pessimism. This world fascinates me more than you could ever imagine. I am always the one being left with the existential questions, with the feeling inside that I am going to change the world, while everyone else turns on their phone and goes to TikTok or something.
“I need deadlines so I can actually get my work done. You need deadlines so you can actually live and enjoy life.” He laughed. What’s life without my work? My school? Life, my friends, is all about perspective. If there’s anything you must take away from this, it’s that you have to cultivate a mindset that allows you to get where you want to be in life. Don’t waste your life, and your precious, precious time, doing things that you’ll regret. Make good choices. And always remember that there is someone out there who’s going through the exact same crap as you. Also remember that people are out there who love you, and are willing to go the extra mile to save your life. Save it from what? God, I don’t know. That’s your story to tell. Always remember to love yourself. You can achieve anything, as long as you put your mind to it. (Thursday, February 27th, 2025. 10:40 P.M.) Song is Waves by Imagine Dragons. It tears me up every time. One of my all-time favorites from them. How we hide our emotions… how the time goes too fast… Time doesn’t hear, so roll with the waves.
