ok now i know the title sounds kinda self harmy but no i mean just think about it they seem very happy without you and i felt a little skeptical if this is a crybaby-ish topic and after multiple days of keeping this stupid thought in i just have to say something to basically, express myself, i already know no one wants to deal with drama or something, so i closed the comments so you dont have to say anything, not that you need to, its not like anyone is gonna see this anyway again i've been thinking about this for a minute, no i am not quitting or cutting contact with everyone i know im just, speaking out loud okay so, the feeling of seeing your friends having fun without you, real life and online it just kind of, hurts? i dont know im just a whiny idiot, so anyways the thought kinda makes it feel like you got stabbed mentally, like if you didnt exist or stopped existing, would anyone even notice you're gone, and if they do would they care, would they celebrate would they be happy, would your own family have some weight lifted off their shoulders, would your crush or old crush that you've talked to move on and forget that you even exist seeing this made me remember why i needed this, my device frying, christmas break, being alone to me hurts but it also keeps me from feeling like i have to act or be a certain way for me to fit in or feel like i belong even if i feel better after this the thought would still linger and make me mentally drain people if i even do come back the thought that the time i spent here is being wasted on trying to feel like you belong somewhere but you constantly get into drama, argue, fist fight, even though i want to, not exist, im still here, im too afraid to do anything about it, then the feeling you got replaced, same as the feeling everyones better off without you
no ones gonna read all of this, no ones gonna see this, i dont even know why i try to bother, because last time i tried to vent i was called a cry baby the thought of being made fun of again terrifies me i dont know how to feel or think anymore i dont know whats good to me, i constantly have to either be nothing or cry out only to be nothing again sorry for ranting too long
