hi ! i was feeling .. story, i guess, if you writers get what i mean. so, yeah! here's my... attempt, i guess, at understanding the way emotions feel in the head :3 and then, i'll write a sample of how i feel, to show the comparison ^^ (if you want an explanation on why i dont feel emotions lmk! i'm happy to explain <3) (( cw . talks of deep emotions , eg. sadness, anger, aggression )) (( tw . mentions / implication of death )) --------------------------- ----------------------------------- Heart, racing. Feet, thumping. I didn't understand why everything made me feel this way. The world around me was spinning so fast, I seemed to lose my balance, at a point, and now I fail to regain the control I once had over myself. "Hormones," my mom will snort, brushing me off like I mean nothing. Well, perhaps I don't, but I wish I believed otherwise. "Oh, you're just a moody teen! This will all fade." They explain, as if I understand, as if I have faith in their small words, in their small reassurances that mean nothing to me. Everything they said, it irritated me, it caused me to hurt in every ounce of my soul. They made me wish, truly, that I could just stop, that this world would just slow down for a moment, and let me feel at ease for once in my life. I don't understand why people are so /careless/, so /mean/. Do I mean nothing to you? Do my feelings not matter to you? I cry, and I cry... Night after night. I don't understand why life is how it is, and it makes me so /frustrated/, so /enraged/ that, eventually, it turned to violence. Not, violence on humans, but, violence in my mind. Everything was thrashing and crashing around, like a ship lost at sea, fighting hopelessly against the tsunamic-like waves that came crashing against its sides, slapping marine creatures and the /monsters/ of the sea with it. It threw all the men overboard, and now, I am alone. I am a sailor, with a ship, but with no crew. Without that crew, I am lost, I am torn and I am broken-hearted. I don't understand anything anymore. They all died. I felt it, in my heart, the mourning and grief I felt for what I said and did before they passed away, before they left me here to fend for myself. It's as if, everyone's carrying something, like a bat or a boomerang, and they just hit you with it every single time they feel as if you deserve the pain and remorse that you simply, did not mean to cause them. They left me, to fend for myself, and now I am no longer protected. They continue to carry their bats of remorse, their boomerangs of pain, and they hit you with it /every single time/ they look at you because /you deserve it/. Why, I wish I could fly away, into a peaceful, empty void. I hate this. I wish I could just... disappear, into my mind, and never think about things again... -------------------------------- -------------------------- please forgive me if i'm wrong about this ^^ now on to my piece about myself !! this isn't meant to be taken offensively. like i said, it's literally my thought process. didn't really choose it /nm (( cw . talks of voids , empty spaces , claustrophobic mentions )) (( same tw as above )) ---------------------------- --------------------------- I always heard them say, "I miss them." I always saw them cry, their eyes full of pain. I always wondered how it felt, to cry tears that weren't of pure rage, of pure hatred for the way that you couldn't love yourself, because like your mind, there was nothing to love. I always heard them whisper their reassurances to one another, hugging tightly, and never letting go. I never understood this. I never understood why someone could latch on, why someone could feel so.. sad? When someone let go. When someone cried. When someone closed their eyes and never opened them again. I wish, I really do wish, I could understand. I wish that I could say that I related, that I held on to someone, that they were my everything, and they left me. They left me, but they weren't my everything... I don't have /anything/. I always have tried to smile, give a thumbs up, tell them that I know how it feels, how it feels to just break down, to feel everything all at once and to overthink. Alas, I never did. I never understood /excitement/ or /joy/, I never understood /sadness/ or /pain/. I just understood rage. Aggression. Hatred. Miserableness. I don't know why, it's how it is. I don't, hate the world, perse, I don't hate anything at all. I don't understand who could care enough to hate. I also didn't understand how people could feel pain from the hate, feel remorse for their actions, or guilt for something they said. I never did. Everything about me, it's empty. I'm a void. An empty, blank space. People ask what I'm thinking about when I zone out, and the answer is nothing. Literally, plainly, nothing. I have never understood what it was like to smile a real smile, to laugh a happy laugh. I never understood sad tears, +
julian, istgosh, just leave :sob: i don't want to watch you read this in biology than laugh at me lmao /lh cont below also dude listen to sign crushes motorist sign last friday night i can't :sob: i love his music but chat it's so hoarse /lh /nmaa ____________________________________________ sad looks, sad laughs. I guess, I don't understand anything. I don't get why people look each other in the eyes and confess to feelings I don't feel. "I love you." They say. They say they'd die for you, that you're exactly what they needed. And, it's not that I don't want romance, or love, or to understand it, but it just isn't... and never was... there. Being the person I am, all sensors are shut down, not just the bad ones. The good ones, too. I don't feel anything at all.. My ship, there's no men, there's no sea... There's not even a ship. Just me, an empty canvas. No supplies, no creativity. Just me sitting on the canvas, staring at the sky, but the sky's the canvas. I guess, to love me, you'll have to love an empty canvas. And fake smiles. And fake laughs. I hope it doesn't ruin your day? Watching me space out as you rant happily about things you love. I hope, truly, that I was worth it to you? I am worth it to you? Perhaps not, that's fine too. Really, I don't care lmao.
