this is a gift for a friend of mine who is going through something. We have all been through something before. Therefor, we all feel you. You deserve so much good in life and deserve to be loved more then you know. Your presence braught more excitement and happiness in my life, and more then anything, I am so thankful that I can be myself around you. Therefor, I trust you. Honestly, what you told me was bigger then you think, and you should be rewarded somehow for it. So I thought I'd make this. Since you told me bits and pieces, ill tell you some of my story in exchange- I think you already know most of it but... the first story that you haven't been told was...when I was in 3rd grade, I knew someone who would play with me all the time but always told me we weren't friends. We where into the same things, but he took no interest in me. Not only that, but I was the most hated kid in my grade and I was super clingy. He was the meanest person I've ever met and I hold a grudge against him harder then my main bullies. What this guy did was personal, deep, and I felt like I was used, stabbed in the back, hurt, everything. So I turned on him and tried to bully him as revenge. Turns out I suck at that. This constant hate I had over him, was some sort of obsessive hate that somehow turned into a love... not sure how or why...(please note that no one should be forced to be friends with someone eles and honestly he had his reason) - when I confessed this, he didn't do much, he didn't seem to care. I tried to start conversations with him but he didn't respond until weeks later. He gave me depression and I got a taste of reality, and that reality, I rejected. Therefor being the reason why I will die alone, specifically alone out of intention so that my heart dosnt break, or the other person dosnt break. Not only that but I also sucked at friendship and didn't know how to socialize. After emmediately moving on, my depression came to something eles... When covid hit is when all this depression kicked in... i returned back to my mourning state that stemmed from when I was 8 years old finding out that someone dear to me had passed away, and I was so dazed and confused. I was so depressed that it gave me headaches, but after a year or two, classic rock and the world best medicine, humor braught me out of the ashes like a Phoenix, and I was full of sunlight. I could still feel the black in me though... it wasn't gone. It was just simply painted over with white. Although I arose from the ashes boldly, I came back rather more a concerning human being then how weird I was.... Still getting over the death of this certain someone, I began getting interested in the ouija board therefor....ended up making friends with a spirit that I like to call 'Divian' on scratch. I will not use his real name. He was the nicest thing I had ever met and was one of the best things that ever happened to me, but I hated to admit it. He was so desperate to get closer with me but everything he tried i...I wasn't very good to him at all...he was just trying to get me to open up and be vulnerable so that he could help me but everything I tried i...hurt him... I had a toy that I would have him possess and move around like you would with the triangle thing on a ouija board and I hurt him....and just when I was starting to trust him I started having these anxiety attacks for no reason, it lasted a week, I lost a friend that week because I was going psychotic and told them about the spirit, literally did not close my eyes for even 30 seconds, and initially threw that spirit in a fire while he was possesed into the toy that I became emotionally attached to. I force myself not to cry, and that night my emotions died with him.
because my emotions died that night, I've never felt a thing since. That week I was going through a panic attack, I did wonder what it was like to have emotions. I wished I could feel nothing for a bit but it also made me sick to my stomach, what would we be without our heart? Well that wish came true. I am now emotionless. Numb. I lost a grandparent and a cat this year. Whenf to the funeral. Didnt cry. I didn't even go through a phase of mourning. I acknowledged their death and it included no pain, moved on within a day while everyone eles around me weeped. I make myself sick. I hate being emotionless. I feel like I have no heart, I can't even feel love anymore, and as much as I miss divian, I miss my emotions, so, so much. To loose your emotions is what happens when you don't talk to someone, or express yourself. You may wish that you had no emotions, but if I'm being honest, I kind of miss having depression... something about it just felt nostalgic. Here's some life advice for everyone who's fighting with themselves- I got to know my inner demons, and when I did, I tamed them and now I ride them like a trucking rodeo. Now I know how to tame the broken themselves. Now I know why villains are evil. I knew starscreams deepest secrets and desires without even looking at his life story. When I see someone who's mean or a villain, I see myself. This is a tribute to the broken Lyrics from song - "eyes of a fallen angel, eyes of a tragedy" Song name- 3 Libras Me and tonk happen to be 2 libras bye coincidence.
