9 year old me made a story so now i comment on it. text between brackets [ ] is my commentary. Chapter 1. Puppystar [so creative. Its a dog] Puppystar strode ahead as the Tribe of the Moon padded through the dense forest. The Meeting Cave was just ahead, and it was their destination. Nightwhisker padded beside him with a worried expression. 'Are you sure you're okay? you can always go home and Kittystar can cover for you.' [theres two leaders. the others a cat] Puppystar looked back at her gently. 'I will be fine, i may be old but no-one has beten me yet' [HOW DO YOU SPELL BEATEN WRONG-] As the Tribe Of The Moon [jeez i need to shorten that] approached the Meeting Cave [just call it twotrees man] Kittystar [SO CREATIVE AMIRIGHT. THATS A CAT] leapt down, with Puppystar and the rest of the tribe following. [clarification, theres two tribes, the tribe of the sun, and the tribe of the moon. very creative. moon tribe leaders are kittystar and puppystar, deputies are barkfur and meowwhisker- SUNCLANS LEADERS ARE BARKSTAR AND MEOWSTAR AND THEIR DEPUTIES ARE KITTYWHISKER AND PUPPYFUR- no, deputies do not need to have a certain suffix] The morning after the Meeting, Puppystar was admiring his two pups, Bluepup and Cuddlepup [a blue dog. BLUEPUP IS A BLUE DOG-] as they wrestled playfully in the sand, when he felt a sensation of being watched. [I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE... SOMEBODY'S WATCHIN MEEEEEEE-] /I wonder what it is now/ he wondered as he noticed Pinenose glaring at him with narrowed eyes. Nightwhisker returned Pinenose's glare before whisking around and stalking off, her black fur fluttering in the wind. [shes a shorthair cat. SHORTHAIR-] Dawnpaw and Duskpaw [a cat and a dog.] padded up to the pile and began dragging a large osprey towards the nursery, [Im sorry, an OSPREY?] while Tailpaw and Silkstream [A CAT WITH SILK FOR A TAIL-] carried a kestrel [where are these cats finding these-] to the elder’s den. Barkfur was organising patrols as Twistedtails and Sageblue [...why?] went out to gather herbs. Meowwhisker waved her tail happily and ran off to catch up to Twistedtail’s patrol. Finally, Puppystar got up. “Dawnpaw, Silkstream! [wasnt dawnpaw just dragging a giant brid?] Tell Barkfur we will take the river half of the border!” as they ran off, he stalked proudly over to the entrance and waited. Circlekit [why?] climbed up a tree, closely followed by Shadowkit and they peered through the leaves. [HOW DO YOU, THREE MOON OLD KITS, CLIMB TREES.] Cuddlekit [WHAT IS WITH YOUNG JAY AND CUDDLES-] dug a hole in the sand before burrowing in. Cloudkit scrambled under a large white rock and watched as Rainbowkit [its a rainbow cat. A RAINBOW CAT-] trudged [finally, a sensible word] around in circles before racing off to find them. A loud hissing came from the entrance.[of couse, best character development, WAR] Sageblue burst through the ferns, followed by Snowfur. Both slammed right into Pinenose, who slid out from underneath them, hissing. Twistedtails was backing up, then… “Attack!” the words were drowned as rouges swarmed the camp, covering her. Puppystar hardly had time to wonder why Snowfur was out of camp [im sorry, IM SORRY, WHY IS IT AN ISSUE THAT YOUR MEDICINE CAT IS GETTING HERBS-] before the battle began. He looked around. Pinenose was relaxing on a sunny rock. [broski your clan is being attacked.] Nightwhisker was hurrying the kits to the nursery, [THEYRE BETTER WHERE THEY WERE.]closely followed by Twistedtails and Silkstream. Puppystar whirled around and pressed his back to Kittystar’s. standing on their hind legs, they swiped at the acending battalion. Then, it happened. The rouge leaped at Puppystar and knocked him down. A paw swiped at him, and darkness edged his vision. [wow that was fast.] Everything was black. He could hear faint voices, [ofc u can] but they seemed far away. As his vision cleared, he realised he was in the Meeting Cave.[aka fourtrees with two trees] Around him, rows among rows of shimmering cats and dogs stood around him. The tribe of the Stars. [m. so creative] He thought. In front of him was a faint vision of himself. [firestar reference] He knew what was going on, and it had been a long time since. He bowed his head respectfully [duh] as the land around him faded and rising voices clamoured around him. “will he be okay?!” “Puppystar! Puppystar! Wake up and tell me you’re okay!” “what happened to him?” “what’s going on?” He opened his eyes and at once saw the worried face of Nightwhisker. Pinenose, beside him, had a shocked expression. Bluepup was pawing at his floppy ear. “Its shredded, Father. [why? are you the medicine cat?] But its okay. Snowfur was grumpy [its jayfeather as a white she-cat. ofc she is OFC SHES GRUMPY-] but Sageblue grabbed some herbs anyways so you would be okay.” [shes a medicine cat. IT IS HER JOB] [cont in n&c]
Cuddlepup was barking loudly at him, [YOUR FATHER IS AWAKE ARE YOU BLIND- no the character is not blind] attempting to wake him without realising he was awake. “Father! Father! Wake up now father!” he was quickly hushed by Nightwhisker. [ofc] Chapter 2. Bluepup- half a moon later. [duh] Bluepup jumped happily. [...] Her ceremony was tomorrow, and her mentor was going to be Snowfur! [WHY ARE YOU HAPPY THAT THE GRUMPIEST CAT IN THE CLAN IS YOUR NEW MENTOR] For now, it was Tailpaw’s ceremony. [spoiler, his warrior nm is tailtail] Bluepup was excited for her big brother. But as she walked out the nursery, she was shocked to see Pinenose standing on the Moonrock. Pinenose glared at the crowd. His tail lashed and his ears were pinned back. His gaze searched the camp, back and forth before spotting his target. [for wat] “Bluepup, Tailpaw. Come forward. Now” he seethed. Tailpaw led the way forward, making eye contact with Pinenose. “Where’s my father?” Tailpaw growled menacingly. “I may not be a swordpup, but I certainly can do damage. [wow, threatening. im scared] The Tribe of the Stars is on my side.” Pinenose chuckled “Hah! All this talk is wasting my time. ‘Oh, the power of the tribe of blah on my side’” he said, mocking Tailpaw. “they’re not magical. Theyre boring and absolutely fake.” He looked at Bluepaw. “You, young child, you have so much potential” [mmmm... wait till he mvrders you] Bluepaw looked up hopefully. Maybe Pinenose was nice after all [ya think?] “as a swordpup.” He said in a deep voice.[whats with deep voices and evil cats] No. . . I cant fight. . . Sageblue already agreed to. . . Bluepup’s eyes widened in horror. [yeet] He couldn’t fight. So why would Pinenose try to make him a swordpup? The realisation hit him like a star falling down. [star falling down? TvT] Pinenose wanted to hurt him. If he was a swordpup, he wouldn’t live long. His first battle, obviously, would be a disaster. [duh] This was a plan to make his father suffer. Bluepup stood defiantly, his glimmering blue-brown pelt [just blue, buddy. just blue] glimmering in the burning sunlight. Eyes narrowed, he [ig your pronouns are he/she?] pounced nimbly [you are a six month old dog-] onto the first stone of the Moonrock, then leapt to the next, and the next, until he reached the very top. From up here, he could see the tall mountains and endless pine trees surrounding the camp. But he didn’t stop to look. [yeah. dont take in the surroundings] Pinenose’s eyes widened [yep] as Bluepup leapt, claws unsheathed, on him. The force of his leap threw Pinenose back, [six month old pup beats warrior with three years training] and Bluepaw jumped on top of him, shoving his head to the side. He then turned to look Pinenose in the eyes and said, “Where. Is. My. Father.” “Gone” Pinenose cackled. [wow] Bluepaw pressed his head harder, growling. “What did you do to him” “Why should I tell you?” [tension] Bluepup pushed him closer to the edge of the rock. “ Because if you don’t, I’ll push you down there” He nodded his head to the bottom of the rock. Pinenose was now struggling to breathe, due to Bluepaw holding him down. “I-m n-not te-ellin-gh yo-u” He stammered, and added, “your-e too so-fthe-heart-ted to d-o i-it” [amazing stammering, aint it] Bluepup snarled, “last chance, Pinenose. What did you do to him” Pinenose shook his head, and Bluepup shoved him off the edge. Guilt immediately filled his mind, [yes.] but he shook his head. Pinenose had brought this on himself. He’d been warned. Chapter 3. Dawnpaw was frozen in terror as Pinenose fell, screeching, from the Moonrock. Someone pulled her back into the crowd as Pinenose landed exactly where she had just been. [yep, the one spot you are] He was alive. . . just. Sageblue raced forward, shouting to Snowfur to get herbs. As Snowfur’s fluffy tail disappeared into the medicine cat den, Sageblue pushed through the crowd and rested an ear on Pinenose’s chest. Above, Bluepup watched in horror, only now realising what he’d done. [you did that already] Snowfur pushed through the crowd, dragging a bag behind her. [bag?] As she neared the two, the blueish tabby ran forward, pulling a pink [PINK? THATS CONCERNING-] jar from the bag, and reaching a paw in. Dawnpaw, ears pinned, ducked under her Clanmates paws and dashed out of camp *** Dawn light filtered through the trees, as voices called out behind her. Dawnpaw turned and slid into a crevice in the rock behind her. She wasn’t ready to come home yet. [i swear, every single story ever has that one character that gets scared and runs off EVERY TIME something happens for the rest of the story and refuses to come back.] [mkay bye bye]
