**Vent Diary Entry** I can’t stop looking at myself in the mirror, and all I see is how ugly I am. I try to convince myself that I’m just being too harsh, but the truth is, I don’t feel pretty—at all. Every time I see other girls, it’s like they’re everything I’m not. They’re beautiful, they have this effortless confidence, and here I am, feeling like a complete mess in comparison. No matter what I do, I can’t shake the feeling that I’ll never be good enough. My hair never looks right, my face doesn’t look how I want it to, and don’t even get me started on my body. Sometimes, it feels like I’m trapped in a form that’s wrong for me, and no amount of makeup, clothes, or effort will ever change that. I want to feel beautiful, I want to feel like I belong in my skin, but it just seems impossible. Being trans only adds to it all. It’s hard enough dealing with the world’s opinions, but when I can’t even feel good in my own skin, it’s crushing. I see other people who seem to transition so smoothly, and I wonder why that can’t be me. I want to look in the mirror and actually *like* what I see. I want to feel like the girl I know I am, but all I see is a body that doesn’t match. It hurts. I can’t even explain how much. I try to tell myself it’ll get better, that one day I’ll look in the mirror and feel pretty, but right now, it feels so far away. It feels like no matter what I do, I’ll always be this ugly version of who I want to be. I’m tired of comparing myself to others and feeling like I’ll never measure up. I just wish I could feel pretty, even just for a day. I wish I could see what other people see when they tell me I’m not ugly, because all I can focus on are the flaws, the things I hate about myself. I don’t want to hate my reflection anymore. I just want to feel okay with being me.
I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and I just feel like I’m a bad girlfriend, a bad best friend, a bad sister, and a bad daughter. It’s like I’m constantly letting everyone down. No matter how hard I try, it feels like I’m never good enough for anyone. As a girlfriend, I feel like I’m distant or that I’m not doing enough. I want to be there, but it feels like I’m always getting in my own way, either with my own problems or just not knowing how to show I care the right way. I want to be better, I want to make her happy, but I feel like I’m failing. With my best friends, it’s the same. I feel like I’m never there when they need me most. Either I’m too wrapped up in my own thoughts or too tired to really be there for them. I don’t want to be selfish, but that’s how it feels. I’m supposed to be someone they can lean on, but instead, I feel like a burden or like I’m too much for them to handle. As a sister, I don’t even know where to start. I feel like I’m failing them by not being the role model I should be, by not being someone they can look up to. I should be there more, be someone they can rely on, but it feels like I’m falling short in every way. And as a daughter... I just feel like a disappointment. My parents already have such high expectations, and I’m nowhere near meeting them. I know I’ve let them down, and even when I try to fix things, it’s like I can never be enough for them. I don’t know how to be the daughter they want me to be, and it’s tearing me apart inside. I just wish I could be better—for everyone. But right now, it feels like I’m failing at everything, and I don’t know how to change that. I don’t want to be this bad girlfriend, bad friend, bad sister, bad daughter. I just don’t know how to be good enough anymore.
