{TW: Mentioning of s3lfh@rm} Recently, my depression has been taken to the max. Everything is just the same now. The days are horrible, the friend (that I have made several vents about) is being rude, my class is way too loud and weird, the teachers are yelling... And recently, we have had a substitute because my ELA teacher isn't going to be here for a few days. My way too strict ELA teacher (no offense to her) said that if the substitute reports /any/ problems from our class, she is going to come back very angry, but it's impossible with my horrible class (not all of them) to not cause any problems. We are going to get yelled at, we are going to be in trouble, even the ones who were on their best behavior! And as a perfectionist, my grades and scores have to be perfect, but I took the F.A.S.T for both reading and math... But on math, I got a three, a THREE. It's not helping that my sister is trying to get a higher score than me on everything. That just motivates me to try harder and ends up making me overthink and get everything wrong. And, I'm always really insecure because of my parents. One parent emotionally abuses me sometimes, and the other one is too protective of me. Like, my mom is the protective one, and she is always looking at my computer screen... But as some of you know, scratch isn't where I am supposed to be. I am not allowed on here, I have to sneak on here. And one day, I was on my computer and doing scratch. My mom came in and I clicked the x and got off it. She asked what I was doing, and I was lying, but she could tell I was lying and went through my search history. She was looking in my 'My Stuff' and saw my project about leaving called 'This was a very hard decision to make' and started reading it, but being desperate, worried, and scared, I took the computer and clicked the x again. I didn't want her to know about me being LGBTQIA+, but it mentioned it on there. I had to tell her or she would read the rest, so I came out to her, but I'm not completely sure that she supports. (I also had to unshare the project because she said I shouldn't share that stuff) My life is so unfair now, because I am nice and help people with everything, meanwhile they treat me like some monster! The pain is so bad now that I wish I never existed. Before I was born, I didn't exist, and that didn't hurt, so I'm sure that not existing would hurt less than when I exist. I literally hurt myself and cry in front of others, and they act like I'm not even there... I just can't take it anymore... I just want to escape the rage and depression inside me, but I'm pulled in closer to the center of it each day. Why can't I just be let out of this cage?! I hate my life so much, and I wish I could live the life of some of my friends instead. I should be the one getting special treatment and kindness for once! I hurt so much that I can't put my depression into words... My mind is the one place I can't escape... /ref to a line in an Imagine Dragons song
The Imagine Dragons song that the last sentence is a ref to is Wrecked Please note that I started this vent a while ago so some of the stuff, like the substitute stuff, isn't happening anymore. STOP VENTING ON MY VENTS, GUYS! ALL IT DOES IS MAKE YOU SOUND SELFISH BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE YOUR LIFE SOUND WORSE THAN MINE! Of course, it could be, but it also could be you being selfish and dramatic!
