WARNING: Reading. MUSIC: Sharp Edges (Linkin Park) Going to immediately say this: No, this isn't a pity-party that I expect you to give me remorse and empathy for. You don't need to say something like "Aww! Hope things get better for you! :)" because if anything it's going to be superficial. Be genuine. Also, don't worry, I'm not leaving, and nothing's cancelled. I still plan on releasing some new animations inevitably in the next month or so. I only cancel something if I think it's negatively affecting my mental health, and despite procrastinating on both, I still have potential for them. Lastly, I think I finally found a design for myself that fits, and I'm likely going to be using in future. Anyway, let's begin. I know I haven't been as active as lately (ironically during summer break of all things), as my WIBD usually goes 2 - 3 weeks without much new. That's because most of July has kind of been my most "emotionally aware" month, and kind of a self-reflection of my own creativity identity and self-being, in many ways. So, I decided it'd be nice if I at least told you guys what's been on my mind recently. Let's start our flashback to I think about 50 days ago. Why? Graduation. It was an official new step in my career; out of middle school and heading off to high school. Of course, that also means my mental growth will continue into high school, and you guys already know I'll probably be even less active during my freshman year. (Don't worry, I don't plan on leaving for now, but I think I'll move to other websites around the age of 17 - 20. That's like, 4 more years away.) Graduation also boosted my confidence due to getting the "Most Artistic" superlative, and getting a certificate for S.E.L. It also left me off with another thing to think about- counseling. I don't know how many of you know this, but for most of my school career (I think starting since 2nd or 3rd grade), I've been going to the guidance counselor during my Friday lunches. I had one for K - 4th, 5th, and 6th - 8th. The last one is the one I remember the most, and also the one I admire the most. Can't reveal her name, so I'll simply refer to her Ms. Panda, based off her old nickname. I don't remember why I began went to those meetings, maybe my parents wanted me to be more emotionally mature, and it sure did succeed. I think without my counselors, I'd be much more lost in my world and possibly on a downward spiral. This is mainly due to the fact I began emailing Ms. Panda starting in 7th grade, where I think my awareness of mental health really began. In fact, I still plan on emailing her along with my high school counselor. You can see her own words at the end. Something also happened around graduation which may have influenced my own thoughts about myself, and it was actually a conflict I had with one of my long-time friends. I won't reveal that friend's name for privacy reasons, but to summarize, that friend did something that disrespected by boundaries, and they had previously before. I was honestly fed up with it, and I sent a long message to them. It was a whole ordeal I don't want to get into, and while we've made up, it did get me thinking about my own actions in a weird way. Now let's head back 22 days ago, when my computer broke. Ok, it didn't break, it just became 100x slower than usual as it ran out of storage. I didn't know how to solve it for a while, so I decided to simply put using the computer on hold, which also halted my projects. In a way, it was the beginning of an unintentional 2nd mental break, but I didn't want to confess that to myself. I mainly relied more on going outside and using my phone for entertainment. [Btw, yes, contrary to what most of you probably think, I do touch grass most of the time, when I'm not sluggish in bed.] During that break, I don't know why (maybe due to my ideas to returning to my games), but I began re-watching a lot more Jonochrome; the guy behind Riddle School, ONAF, and various other projects. I really began investigating into his self-discovery videos, mainly discussing on his own personal insecurities and mental health. I highly suggest you check him out some day, as he really is wise about the mental health of developers. Of course though, he's only a good person in that merit. Because unfortunately, it turns out Jonochrome had done some legitimately sick things behind the scenes. Search it up to find out more. Thus, Jonochrome is someone that both frustrates me, but also inspires me. It's weird. Whatever that is, I think Jonochrome was one of the biggest inspiration for making a project like this, as he made me realize I do have my own faults, and I have learned many lessons during my middle school years. I'm definitely not the perfect human being, or maybe not even at my best right now. I have many flaws when it comes to taking things too seriously/not seriously enough, overthinking my projects, and procrastination. Plus, I've made an indescribable amount of mistakes.
From butting into personal conflicts, thinking I'm better than everyone else, bullying my friend about their skill level, being prone to misplacing things, lacking social skills, having ambition but impatience, being insensitive/sensitive, showing extreme negativity or seriousness, I could go on and on. It especially is harder because I was an even worse person during 2021 & 2022, where I was practically just a jerk to everyone I knew. In fact, I once said something HORRIBLY and DISGUSTINGLY insensitive about someone's mental health state that still EUGHs me today. I'm not necessarily sure how anyone actually liked me back then, or if they did. I definitely should've learned more about netiquette before exploring the internet. Technically I was still dumb in 2020 and 2019, but that was just general naivety you expect. I should've known better later on. You can find out more in my "End of 2023" project, which I link at the end. This has influenced me into worry about my self-being and if I've actually grown from those years, or if my toxic or volatile behavior still lingers nowadays. It also makes me worry about my career in the future. This might also tie in to my personality type, the "Logician", INTP, who also are of creative intelligence, and like to make stuff, but lack emotional regulation and are prone to self-doubt. This overthinking makes it hard to achieve, say, or think most of the time without questioning if I'm valid or not. It's probably also why I take long to make something or reply to something- I put as much effort into making sure things end right. I think the best way to describe myself is both an adult and a child at the same time...in other words, a frigin' teenager. I'm developing the emotional maturity an adult should have, but I still have my churlish moments like a child should have. That's where the identity crisis, anxiety, and teen angst comes from. But in the end, I do have to keep saying to myself (and you should say this to yourself to): I'll always try to do better, and I'll never think I'm the best. I am aware of my own flaws and that I have many areas for self-improvement, such as trying my best to give myself more motivation or seeking positivity in negative moments. I've already learned a lot, but that doesn't mean I'll ever stop learning, as you're never too old or too young to stop learning lessons. Those who have fixed mindsets will end up being hypocrites as an adults and have static character growth. You can never reach your full potential if you never try to explore it. Even if you take 5 steps forward and 3 steps back, you're still making progress. You shouldn't shame yourself for delayed progress, taking a hiatus, or struggling with something. That's something I've been trying my best at for a while. It will probably take until the end of high school to get pass most of my current mental blockages, and even then, I'll go onto adulthood still adventuring for my identity. That's just life. But I'm fine with that, as it just follows the saying...another year older, another year wiser. I'd just like to say you all are wonderful people, and I thank you for liking my projects, despite all the things that go on behind the scenes. I will continue my journey to discover (and save) my self. I'm gonna officially end this off with a description of what Ms. Panda signed on my yearbook, as I think it's a really sweet thing that gets me in a good mood, and summarizes how she thought of me. Maybe you'll like it to. (A.A are my initials btw) "Dear A.A, I don't even know where to begin. I can't believe we've had 3 years of lunch groups together. The amount that you've grown physically, emotionally, and academically is truly amazing!! I know that you are going to be someone who makes a true difference in this world. Please, please, please stay in touch!! Even though I don't always get to them right away, please keep your emails coming. They are so thoughtful and eloquent. I'm going to miss you so much!! Best of luck at in high school! - Ms. Panda" P.S. If you're comfortable with it, feel free to discuss some of your own personal thoughts about your identity in the comments! Also don't forget to check out my other "self-reflection" projects: Birfday - https://scratch.mit.edu/projects/1020859291/ (in which I discuss my adolescent identity) Mental Break - https://scratch.mit.edu/projects/954098743/ (in which I discuss my problems with burnout and stress) End of 2023 Thoughts - https://scratch.mit.edu/projects/930478376/ (in which I discuss me trying to move from the past) 4 Years + Farewell 2022 - https://scratch.mit.edu/projects/782810129/ + https://scratch.mit.edu/projects/782810129/ (in which I discuss my insecurities and problems with the "life gremlin") Also check out some resources that influenced me to make this project: "King Zevon" comics by @zevo "Adventures with Anxiety" by Nicky Case Jonochrome's self-discovery videos The Inside Out movies - 97Scratch, 2024
