Am I overly obsessed with Star Wars? Yes, yes I am. July 7 daily for sci-fi (601 words, +300 points) Introduction The Star Wars universe is incredibly dangerous; however, it is possible to actually live a normal life. Here’s a step-by-step guide on how you can live happily in the galaxy. Step One: Avoid Any Skywalkers At All Costs* This step is vital to your survival in the Star Wars universe. If you interact at all with a Skywalker, you will likely get a hand chopped off or worse. Remember: if you see a Skywalker in the street, start running as far away as possible. If a Skywalker asks you to join them on a quest, say no, and then start running as far away as possible. If you are a Skywalker? Sorry about your luck. *This step also applies to Rey, despite her very much not being a Skywalker. Here, I’ll amend the title: Avoid Any Skywalkers And Palpatines At All Costs. Step Two: Avoid Any Rebellions/Resistances At All Costs Getting to fight the Empire and/or First Order may sound like fun, but it IS NOT. Many people who joined the Rebellion ended up making heroic sacrifices to save others, though several probably could have survived and saved everyone else (I’m looking at you, Kanan). There will also be lots of very dangerous battles, and you will literally not be safe anywhere in the galaxy. While the Empire isn’t great, just follow the laws and avoid interactions with any Imperials (while still following the laws), and you should be fine. Step Three: Don’t Join The Empire Trust me, you don’t want to get blown up on the Death Star. Even just going to work on any Imperial ship is a hazard, as you would have a very high risk of lots of painful things. So let’s just stay away from that, okay? Step Four: Don’t Join The Jedi, Either. Anyone who knows anything about the Star Wars universe knows how that turned out. Don’t do it. Step Five: A General Rule Of Thumb Now that you know you won’t live near any Skywalkers, Empires, Rebellions, or Jedi, you need to decide where you will live. Before choosing a planet, consider these questions: Is it part of a government that has survived and hasn’t started a war in the past 10 years? If so, it’s probably safe. What kind of jobs does it have? What’s the crime rate? Is it possible for you to get a Loth-cat as a pet there (Lurca hounds also work)? If not, it’s probably not a good choice. After all, who wants to live on a planet with no pets? Step Six: At This Point, Just Do An Ezra And Leave All you need for this is a space whale and a ship, and you’re all set! Tune in to Frequency 0 to get the purrgil to come to you if they aren’t close by. Avoid Peridea, though. It has a lot of not-so-nice people (Thrawn, stormtroopers, Nightsisters—remember Step Three, people). Just make sure you bring lots of supplies. And generally, avoid anyone who could be dangerous to you. Just avoid everyone, honestly. Conclusion Well, congrats! You’ve made it to the end of this guide, which means you’ve followed all the steps and are now living peacefully in another galaxy. If you ever need help making a decision that could affect your safety, remember this: think WWARD, What Would A Rebel Do, and then do the exact opposite. So, to wrap it up, avoid all Skywalkers, don’t join any Rebellions/Empires/Jedi Orders, or anything similar to that, and just escape to another galaxy where you won’t be bothered by the Skywalkers constantly messing up everything. Have fun!
