This covers like 5% of the things I'm stressed about? I just feel like I can't anymore. Nothing seems stable, nothing seems solid, and in the end I feel like it's a race against time between being who I want to be and who I've worked so hard not to be. Every time I try harder, it's like something's pushing back /inside/ of me. I never wanted to be noticed, I just wanted one person to care enough to stick with me through it and try to understand. Nobody catches it, but I get made fun of for being who I've worked so hard to be. I'm trying, really I am, but it feels like it's killing me, and, honestly I wish it were. Every 'happy ending' is eaten up until it's hollow by the memory of being looked down on just for looking like a boy. There's always this little voice screaming to try harder, and that's the better one. But I /am/. I act unbothered. I lie when people ask me how I am. I do it all so people will like me, and because I owe it to them not to make them worry. I always feel guilty talking about things like this, but the pressure's always there, pressing harder and harder and harder and that pressure is always there until it leaves for a split second and then it comes at me in blows until my chest feels like it's collapsing. I feel guilty whenever I cry, so I just hold it in and it's never gone. I feel like I'm going insane for being the way that I am. I'm trying to be or at least act happier, I really really am. I almost never cry because I figured out how to control it a while ago and now it's just staying inside of me and poisoning itself until I have to say something. And then I'm either pitied like some lost kitten or nobody cares. I don't even know which is worse. I'll say that my brain sucks, I'll say I'm okay, but never the full truth. I just feel hollow when the tears dry up, if I can ever force them out of me. Most people I know have bad days. They can get really bad, like huge rocks sticking out of the sea, barely dampened. But I'm like a desert, any drop of happiness quickly dried into the sand. But the animals have learned to live like that, and they look so happy, don't they?
The audio is a joke XD
