⚠️VENT WARNING⚠️ Talks about friend issues, low self esteem, implied self h4rm, and mental health issues. Look, I have no idea what to feel anymore. My life feels messed up and makes no sense, that's how teen years are for most people, but that doesn't help it be any easier. Especially if there isn't anyone around you to really help you through it. I'll give context: I've never really been able to keep friends. Ever since I can remember I haven't had a friend last longer than a year. I would constantly have a new best friend and because of that I pretty much gave up on finding friends. But then I found someone. I was desperate and needed someone so badly that I picked the first person I got a good feeling from. I had been pretty much done with emotional attachment because of previous bullying experiences and terrible friends who have me a lot of trauma at a young age... But this one person I got really attached to... They were all I could think about. At school I was waiting to talk to them next, at home I was waiting for school or texting them. At church activities we would sit together, even on vacation all I could think about is getting home to see them... They appeared in my dreams and my obsession was honestly really unhealthy... But I loved being with them and had started to regain the belief that maybe friends could last longer and be good. I had promised over and over I would never leave them. Then as we grew over the next 2 years there were more mental health issues... Long story short I was constantly in a deep panic that I would trigger them and they would struggle because of me. Their mom was also spreading lies about me and gossiping about how awful I am to other leaders in my church, and still does bro- (I was told this by the other leaders and her other kids) so that didn't help the situation... I was pretty much blamed for all of their mental health issues and that wasn't healthy for me or them. But that's when I made the biggest mistake of my life so far... I told them I needed a break from being friends for a little while... It was nice at first because I didn't have that awful stress all the time that I would hurt them, but leaving them did hurt them... After a month they had something hard happen and I suggested that we should maybe try being friends again... They said that maybe we shouldn't be friends at all anymore. And at first that sounded great! I would never have to have that stress again! So I said I didn't care. That was stupid of me. Because what I didn't realize is how much I DO care. They are still the most important person in my life and I would do anything to see them smile still... This end of the friendship was nice at first... But very quickly I noticed something was wrong with me... I lost my appetite, I hated everything about myself, I hated being with the people I was friends with, and I kept thinking about that person... It's all I can think about... So I've always delt with emotional pain by pulling out my hair. This incident though, it was too big for hair to help... So I use a kn1fe. There's just something distracting about your own bl00d dripping everywhere and staining everything... Another issue now is my self esteem. I've always been someone confident in myself and for the most part, I've always liked who I am. I had my flaws about myself, but everyone does. It went from that to Pure. Self. Loathing. Because if the person you love the most won't even look at you... Well... I think you get the idea... After a few weeks of this painful madness I started having dreams... Dreams where they would show up and tell me they actually wanted to be friends again. It's hurts so much to wake up from those... It happens almost every night. But a few weeks ago something much worse happened in a dream... In the dream they said that they always hated me and that they wished we had never met and were never friends. It hurt so much more because it felt like a much more realistic scenario... It makes way more sense for them to do that... But it hurts even more. My obsession still runs deep to this day. I have their schedule memorized, based on their scratch profile I can see some of the stuff they like and all the new things we have in common... I know what they draw and I know way more about them than my new friends. And I will sometimes try talking to them, but if they even respond it's one word answers or a nod... And I can't blame them. I don't. I'm not mad at them or anyone but myself because all I can think about is what I did wrong and how I could've fixed it. One thing that makes this hurt the most is that they'll talk to my new friends.
And talk to my family. They're never rude to me, but they've had pan1c attacks because I show up... And that hurts me... They said that there isn't really anything in specific that I did wrong. Good thing about that is that I know I didn't make a big mistake I wasn't aware of, but the bad thing is I don't really know why things just don't work out for me with friends. I distance myself from my new friends. I would never leave them and I really like them, but I won't be depressed when they leave me either. I mean, the good thing is that they said maybe we could try again eventually... After they're ready... But I worry that they won't feel like they can come back if they ever get to that point, or they'll think I've moved on... I don't think that's gonna be the case though. They said I could sit by them yesterday and that they don't care if I do today either... That made me feel really happy and I wanted to cry because I missed being around them... But I'm pretty sure it was more just weird for them and they just said I could sit there because they're too nice to say no... I really hope that's not why though. They're an incredible person and anyone would be lucky to have them as a friend. I sure was. ALSO it didn't help this whole situation that I had/have (idek abt wth I'm feeling anymore- could just be wanting to be friends again idk) a HUGE crush on them :'( If you read all that you probably had a good amount of time- that or you were bored idk. Also I got a therapist to specifically help me process this event in a healthy way and somewhat move on so that's good. The text was too long for 1 box lol
